Doubts and Discoveries

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve blogged and it’s been great. For a while there, I was putting pressure on myself to blog and to write, but I didn’t feel like I had much to say.

It’s weird because initially I started my blog to help keep myself accountable in paying off my debt. I didn’t really think about an audience, or a website, or any of those things that inevitably come later. I just wanted to write and get things off my chest.  Why didn’t I just write in my journal? Why did I decide to do it so publicly? I guess I wanted the support and assistance from other people who have been in debt.

The PF community is an amazing group of supportive people and the past six months have been a blast. I’m starting to doubt myself though. I am starting to doubt my writing abilities and am convinced I’ve written my best posts in the first two months of this blog when I had approximately 2 readers.

I’m starting to get tired of writing/thinking/analyzing/obsessing about money. I’ve accomplished my major goal of the year, which was to get a full-time job. Things are still going really well on that front. I thought that having a steady job and a better income would inspire me to continue to talk about my battle with debt, but I just feel kind of over it.

I don’t mean paying off my debt. That’s still a huge priority for me. I want it gone asap and for that to happen, I need to pay over 1k a month on my debt. I guess I’m just tired of doing the countdown, I’m tired of counting pennies, and I’m especially tired of the guilt and beating myself up when I spend money. It could be any amount, but I will always feel a tinge of guilt when I buy something.

The payment plan doesn’t seem to be going fast enough. 4 years of paying 1k+ just sounds painful. Part of me wonders if I should slow down and pay less? The other part of me doesn’t want to let myself down or make excuses.

Even though I am making better money, and still side-hustling, I feel like I still need to make more money. I would love to do that blogging, but I clearly haven’t made an effort. My readership hasn’t gone up very much, and I have a love-hate relationship with social media. At times, I want to be very social and blog, tweet, write, share and be a part of the conversation. Recently, I’ve wanted to delete my entire blog. My blog should not be a point of shame or guilt for me, but a fun place to express my thoughts.

I am not sure if I even want a website. I am mostly anonymous and prefer to keep it that way. I have personal details on my blog, that now in retrospect, leave me feeling vulnerable. I wonder, though, would I be more serious about this blog if I put myself out there? Would I get more readers? Also, doordebt.com is apparently taken, which sucks. I also don’t feel comfortable shelling out money for hosting and a domain, when I need to throw every penny towards debt. But if I wanted to be serious, it’s what I should do.

So, the point of this very rambly post is that I don’t know what my future in blogging is. I don’t think it’s something I’m ready to say goodbye to.  But I can’t continue the way it is. I either need to change-up the content and/or be more serious about engaging in this community.

I have a terrible habit of not wanting to go on the computer when I get home from work. Who wants to be in front of a screen all the time? I need to find a balance, and find what makes sense for me.  I also want to get back to creative writing and doing other creative things. I think my obsession with money has severely hindered my creativity and that makes me sad.

I want to focus on all my other goals and continue living a badass life. I want to stop feeling like, at 28 that I am so very behind in life. I compare myself to others and based on my financial situation, I feel like I should be about 20. I fantasize about how financially secure I would be, if I never pursued my education. It’s a pointless game that the demons in my mind play from time to time.

I can’t go back and can only go forward.

Do you have any advice on getting out of a blogging rut or blog-dentity crisis?

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16 responses to “Doubts and Discoveries

  1. Aww, I’m sorry to hear you have mixed emotions with blogging. I, for one, would be kinda sad if you left (I get attached!), but it’s not about me, it’s about you, and you have to do what is best for you and what makes you happy. Just know I am here to talk if you ever want or offer support, whether on the blog or email. Take care, girl xo

    • I don’t think i’m going anywhere, I’m just re-evaluating. I think that means not being so harsh on myself and give up on all expectations and just write from a true, honest place and continue doing what I’m doing.

  2. Sorry to hear about your doubts 😦 I would just stick to blogging about what you want, whatever you enjoy and makes you happy. If you want to change directions, go for it. Good luck getting through this!

    • Thanks, dear! I’m just in a bit of a funk, but i have some other blog post ideas that hopefully I will share soon. Just need to re-ignite my passion, and keep going.

      • I hear you! Since my blog domain would cost $18,500 I’m thinking about switching things up too. I don’t want my blog to be tied to debt forever.

  3. Its blogging and its on no ones time but yours. You blog and post when and if you want. It should not be a chore or something you feel you “have to do”. Then it becomes a job you don’t want. If changing it up is what you feel you need to do then do it. If you need someone to talk to the PF community is here for you.

    • You are absolutely right. It’s mine and it can be whatever I want it to be. I want this to be a “successful” blog, but clearly don’t have the energy to put all my hours towards it. So i need to release that idea for now, and just stay focused on my goals and write about a lot of things and continue to share my journey….we’ll see where it goes. I really appreciate you listening and commenting!

  4. You know I’ve been a fan of your blog from the very beginning missy! We’re debt payoff blogger twins remember? I’ve been having some doubts with my blog lately too but I think that’s normal. I’m always here to talk if you want. Xo -GMD

  5. I tried to leave a comment the first time but I don’t think it worked….anyways I just wanted to say that you know I’ve been a fan of your blog from the very beginning missy! We’re debt paying blogger buddies 😉 I’ve been having serious doubts about my blog lately too…if you ever need someone to talk to, you know you can email me anytime 🙂 xo – GMD

    • Thanks for your support! Yes, you inspire me so much and I want to keep going. I think I was just in a minor funk. Feeling better already 🙂 You shouldn’t have any doubts, your blog rocks and you always write interesting stuff.

  6. Hi there, I’m new to your blog and I just wanted to say, keep going with it as I really want to read more! And you’re not behind in life – I’m 32 and still paying off debt – by the time you’re 32, you’ll be sorted 🙂

    • Thanks! Haha you can read the saga from the past 7 mo. 32 is still young and I have to remember we all have our own timelines. I’m just not a patient person! I’ll keep on blogging and adding stuff soon.

  7. We will support you no matter what you do. If blogging for 2 months helped you gain some clarity and you’re “good” then maybe that was the purpose of the blog. I do really enjoy reading you but appreciate the amount of time, energy, and effort it takes to do this. Sometimes it’s nice to just “be.”

    • I want to find my happy place where I feel like I am productive and creative, while also just “being”. I think not having a cluttered mind really helps things. Thanks for your support too, I love reading your stuff and about your adventures.

  8. Hey, I for one would be sad if you left altogether and I know how you are feeling. I have been thinking that I don’t want to post about financial stuff forever. Its does get annoying even if you love the subject. Just write about what you want to write about. Whether it be creative writing stuff or your life in general, we would all love to hear it.

  9. I think every blogger feels that way from time to time. Some leave, and others take a break then get back into it. I would be sad if you left, but I know people have to do what’s best for them. I totally get getting sick of talking about money though. I’ve strayed a lot from just PF talk. You just have to find what works for you!

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