It’s been over two weeks since I’ve blogged and it’s been great. For a while there, I was putting pressure on myself to blog and to write, but I didn’t feel like I had much to say.
It’s weird because initially I started my blog to help keep myself accountable in paying off my debt. I didn’t really think about an audience, or a website, or any of those things that inevitably come later. I just wanted to write and get things off my chest. Why didn’t I just write in my journal? Why did I decide to do it so publicly? I guess I wanted the support and assistance from other people who have been in debt.
The PF community is an amazing group of supportive people and the past six months have been a blast. I’m starting to doubt myself though. I am starting to doubt my writing abilities and am convinced I’ve written my best posts in the first two months of this blog when I had approximately 2 readers.
I’m starting to get tired of writing/thinking/analyzing/obsessing about money. I’ve accomplished my major goal of the year, which was to get a full-time job. Things are still going really well on that front. I thought that having a steady job and a better income would inspire me to continue to talk about my battle with debt, but I just feel kind of over it.
I don’t mean paying off my debt. That’s still a huge priority for me. I want it gone asap and for that to happen, I need to pay over 1k a month on my debt. I guess I’m just tired of doing the countdown, I’m tired of counting pennies, and I’m especially tired of the guilt and beating myself up when I spend money. It could be any amount, but I will always feel a tinge of guilt when I buy something.
The payment plan doesn’t seem to be going fast enough. 4 years of paying 1k+ just sounds painful. Part of me wonders if I should slow down and pay less? The other part of me doesn’t want to let myself down or make excuses.
Even though I am making better money, and still side-hustling, I feel like I still need to make more money. I would love to do that blogging, but I clearly haven’t made an effort. My readership hasn’t gone up very much, and I have a love-hate relationship with social media. At times, I want to be very social and blog, tweet, write, share and be a part of the conversation. Recently, I’ve wanted to delete my entire blog. My blog should not be a point of shame or guilt for me, but a fun place to express my thoughts.
I am not sure if I even want a website. I am mostly anonymous and prefer to keep it that way. I have personal details on my blog, that now in retrospect, leave me feeling vulnerable. I wonder, though, would I be more serious about this blog if I put myself out there? Would I get more readers? Also, doordebt.com is apparently taken, which sucks. I also don’t feel comfortable shelling out money for hosting and a domain, when I need to throw every penny towards debt. But if I wanted to be serious, it’s what I should do.
So, the point of this very rambly post is that I don’t know what my future in blogging is. I don’t think it’s something I’m ready to say goodbye to. But I can’t continue the way it is. I either need to change-up the content and/or be more serious about engaging in this community.
I have a terrible habit of not wanting to go on the computer when I get home from work. Who wants to be in front of a screen all the time? I need to find a balance, and find what makes sense for me. I also want to get back to creative writing and doing other creative things. I think my obsession with money has severely hindered my creativity and that makes me sad.
I want to focus on all my other goals and continue living a badass life. I want to stop feeling like, at 28 that I am so very behind in life. I compare myself to others and based on my financial situation, I feel like I should be about 20. I fantasize about how financially secure I would be, if I never pursued my education. It’s a pointless game that the demons in my mind play from time to time.
I can’t go back and can only go forward.
Do you have any advice on getting out of a blogging rut or blog-dentity crisis?