I’m waiting to hear back about the results of my second interview. Waiting for the next one to happen. I’m waiting for my partner to be done with school. I’m waiting to get out of debt. Waiting for checks to arrive.
It feels like a whole lot of waiting, and I am not the most patient person there is. Amidst all the waiting, there has been a lot of working, too. I’ve been working hard and I am yearning for Saturday, which will be my first day off this month. In 72 hours, I can sleep in. I can catch up with other blogs, write more, and relax.
Which is good, because lately I’ve been suffering from the blahs. I wouldn’t say that I am unmotivated lately, just that I am tired. I am feeling burnt out and definitely feeling some debt fatigue. I realized I have paid off 5k in three months, which is absolutely mind boggling to me. If I kept at that pace, I’d pay off 20k this year!
The thing is, I can’t keep up with that pace anymore. I spent a significant chunk of my savings to make that happen. I’ve been hustling and getting as many gigs as I can find to throw extra money towards the debt. I guess I just feel like I was on a roll, now I am just stuck. My employment situation is uncertain, so I need to take the precautions to be prepared. I worry about my future employment and the state of my debts. I obsessively calculate what monthly payment I can make, how I can get out of debt sooner and fantasize about being debt free. I’ve calculated what it would take to get out of debt a full year sooner than my desired debt free date, and that would require me to pay $1600 for the next 2.7 years. That’s a hard number to swallow for someone who might be unemployed in six weeks and can’t accurately grasp what the future looks like.
That is so much money and feels like forever. I know it’s not forever and I am still young, but I really hate being in debt. I am sick of thinking about it. I am sick of analyzing every purchase I make and internalizing that guilt.
I feel silly as a personal finance blogger–a fake, a phony. I cannot write, How to Get Out of Credit Card Debt, How to Pay off your Student Loans in a Year, or How to Pay Off Your Mortgage Early. I can’t write those informative articles because I am STILL in it and it’s a STRUGGLE. I could write, How to apply for food stamps if you were formerly middle Class or How to not kill yourself when your loans are driving you crazy, or How to take any job you can get after you get your master’s, but at the end of the day I don’t know how many people want to read that.
I apologize if this is an emotionally self-indulgent rant, but I feel a little better. I just need to practice patience, continue working hard and realize these things take time. Keep it in perspective and realize I don’t have it so bad after all. Stop comparing myself to others and know one day I will be debt free too.